urvis.org » Sex and Relationships http://urvis.org A complete health guide Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:00:44 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 en hourly 1 Fix Your Sexless Marriage – What to Do When Your Husband Does not Want Sex http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/fix-your-sexless-marriage-what-to-do-when-your-husband-does-not-want-sex http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/fix-your-sexless-marriage-what-to-do-when-your-husband-does-not-want-sex#comments Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:22:36 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/fix-your-sexless-marriage-what-to-do-when-your-husband-does-not-want-sex Are you wondering how you can fix your sexless marriage?? An all too common situation is where the husband does not want sex, but unfortunately, this problem is very rarely addressed.
Lovemaking is vital to the health of a marriage. It is something that deepens the love of? a couple, and makes them more connected. When one of them looses interest in sex, it is a terrible blow to the self esteem of the other spouse, as well as their feeling of security in the relationship. There is also a much higher instance of divorces and affairs in marriages that fall into the category of “sexless marriages”. ? And by the way, that doesn’t just mean never, it can also mean that sex happens very rarely.
One of a woman’s greatest needs is to feel loved and desired, so if her husband does not want to have sex,? a woman will? often feel devastated, rejected, and certain that there must be something wrong with her.
With all of the negative emotions a woman is feeling at this time, it is much too common that she will not do anything about it. ? She feels that can’t speak to her husband about it, as he just brushes her off– or worse, mocks her for wanting sex. ? To speak about the issue to a friend would be exposing too much, she’d be admitting that her husband finds her so unattractive and undesirable, that he won’t have sex with her.
But the only way to change the situation and fix your sexless marriage is to do something about it, and that’s the first step: realizing that you can. ? You also need to know, right off the bat, that the situation is not your fault, nor does it mean that your husband thinks you’re not attractive. ? A sexless marriage is almost always just a reflection of problems in the relationship that need to be addressed. ? And very often you may not even have realized that these problems exist. ? Sometimes they just come as time goes on.
Realize that as a woman, you have a unique power to change the direction your marriage is headed. To start, try to get a cleared understanding of how men think and feel about sex and relationships. Then you can look at your life and see what the obstacles are that have made it so that your husband does not want sex. ? You can then fix your sexless marriage by making changes in how you are relating to him, and make him want and initiate sex whenever you want to have it.

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/fix-your-sexless-marriage-what-to-do-when-your-husband-does-not-want-sex/feed 0 Sex and Fear, Finish that Inventory! http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/sex-and-fear-finish-that-inventory http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/sex-and-fear-finish-that-inventory#comments Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:22:30 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/sex-and-fear-finish-that-inventory Fear, a damaging and corroding thread that can weave its way into and take over our lives, causes inordinate trouble. The ironic and sad part is that many of our fears have little basis in reality and are often related to something that has not happened and probably will not happen and lives only in our heads. No course in elementary school, junior or senior high school, or college prepares us to deal with our fears. Rarely are parents astute enough to help us acquire the tools at home. What then? A common “solution” is to become angry; cover the fears with anger and protect our fragile ego and scared little inner person. Result? We lash out at whoever is in front of us, usually family or significant other. We stay isolated and separate, never forming close relationships. The undealt with fears and anger keep us self absorbed, obsessively ruminating and absent from our own lives. Typical fears include: what do people think of me (none of my business), what will happen if I don’t take care of it? If I don’t do it no one will, or if they do, it won’t be done right. What if I don’t make enough money? What if he thinks. . . , or does. . . ?or doesn’t. . . ? fear of rejection by anyone, including people we don’t know, fear of not being “okay”, fear of not being good enough. . . . and on and on. Some realistic solutions are to look at what we are afraid of, even make a list in black and white, perhaps getting a clue (maybe not), as to where the fears came from and when they started intruding, uninvited, into our lives. Then we must say them out loud, talk about them with a counselor, therapist, sponsor or mentor, or just a trusted friend. Alone in our own heads, we human beings are often in bad company! Profound awakenings happen when two or more people talk openly and honestly. Members of support groups (official or spontaneous) find that many have similar fears and no one is unique. This alone does not abolish fear, but knowing you are not alone is a start. If we have denied our fears, along with all of our other feelings for years, especially by covering them up with alcohol and other drugs, they seem insurmountable. When the drugging stops, the years of accumulated fears surface, causing relapse for many. Recovering people, those who have stopped using drugs, (yes, alcohol, too), find that to stay clean and sober, not to mention be happy without drugs, they have to deal effectively with fear, not just deny it. The bottom line often becomes: we need more help than can be provided by other human beings or any drug, (including prescription antidepressants and antianxiety drugs). Here it comes again. . . the “G” word. Yup. Whatever your God concept, plug it in here and use it. There is enormous joy in acknowledging that we are only human beings, not infinitely self-reliant, and can ask for help from a higher power. We admit that we are human, not all powerful, and need help. To do our part, we do what we think we are supposed to do. We ask that our fears be removed and replaced with something useful. Behaving in the most responsible way we can, perhaps spreading kindness and joy, and sometimes cookies, we leave the results to the universe (God?). Where does sex fit in? Sex. Important word. Troublesome subject for many. If anyone were to do a research study on recovering addicts, they would undoubtedly find that much distress and many, if not most relapses are around relationships. Difficult for anyone, intimate relationships are especially problematic for alcoholics and addicts. Healthy relationships require unselfishness, not a strong suit among addicts, even if the addiction is work, television, skiing or other sports, or something else “acceptable”. To remain comfortable in our own skin after discontinuing drug use, we selfish human beings often find we have to restructure the sex and relationship areas of our lives. It is tough to live with the constant discomfort of doing harm to ourselves and others with our selfish ways. A common result is to go back to covering the pain with alcohol and drugs. Many find that when they do stop the drugs, other behavior has to stop or change as well. Cheating, dishonesty, blaming, inciting fear and jealousy, all leave a knot in our gut that used to be covered with chemicals. More “advanced”, closer, healthier, happier relationships require even more changes. Clean and sober people who have dealt with their fear of rejection, or decided to walk through it and not let it paralyze them, are able to participate in relationships, sexual or not, in increasingly unselfish ways, sharing themselves, accepting others as they are, encouraging growth and sincerely wanting the best for and appreciating the other person. Bottom line? Healthy relationships are formed when people get out of themselves and care unselfishly for another. ?

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/sex-and-fear-finish-that-inventory/feed 0 Keep Your Cool-don’t Allow Anger to Control Your Relationships http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/keep-your-cool-dont-allow-anger-to-control-your-relationships http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/keep-your-cool-dont-allow-anger-to-control-your-relationships#comments Mon, 18 Jan 2010 17:22:09 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/keep-your-cool-dont-allow-anger-to-control-your-relationships If you anger easily, perhaps you need some techniques to <b>Keep Your Cool<b>. How you handle anger is how your children assume adults are supposed to handle anger and thus they use you as a role model. Look deeply in your heart and discover what you are really mad about?? Rarely is the anger about the present incident, but rather unmet needs from the past. Do you want your children to respect you? Is the underlying need for respect? Do you want people to assume personal responsiblity? Know your limits. Accept what you can?t change and let go of things out of your control. ??Here are some ideas that have worked for other parents. ? Try them and see if you can control your anger rather than let your anger control you. Ease your tension. Take a walk; listen to music, splash cold water on your face. Earn small rewards when you make the choice not to become angry. Phone a friend. It helps to share your concerns and talk things out. <b>Your example helps your children learn to handle anger. Be a good role model. <b>?Object to the behavior if necessary, but separate the ?deed from the doer. ? Use your kitchen timer for ?time out? before disciplining. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, including you and your children. Count your breaths. Breathe in deep while counting to four. Breathe out while counting to four. Do four times. Old tapes in your head may be making your reaction more than it should be. Are you angry because of issues in your childhood?<b>Out of ideas to handle anger? <b>Consider parenting classes or professional counseling. Look objectively at the situation. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Is it really worth having a heart attack or stroke? This too shall pass. Controlling angry feelings is a skill that children learn from the people who care for them. There are activities which support our development of self-control. Count to twenty, backwards! We all need to find helpful ways to intervene when anger and frustration overwhelms us or our children.

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/keep-your-cool-dont-allow-anger-to-control-your-relationships/feed 0 The Biggest Mistakes Women Make During Sex With Men http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/the-biggest-mistakes-women-make-during-sex-with-men http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/the-biggest-mistakes-women-make-during-sex-with-men#comments Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:21:19 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/the-biggest-mistakes-women-make-during-sex-with-men Women: The Top Mistakes You Make During Sex With Your Man!
By the authors at http://www. sex-and-relationships. com
Compiled from a lot of emails over the years asking for help with relationship issues in general, and sex in particular, we’ve compiled this list of the gravest errors women can make when it comes to getting down ‘n’ dirty with their menfolk!
1 Behaving like he’s a mind reader – or dropping “clues” about what you want
This is a very feminine game, but it won’t get you what you want. Men just don’t think that way, and it’s disrespectful to later blame them for something they could never figure out from such indirect communication. Drop the games, and be direct. Good communication is everything in a relationship. For example, if you want oral sex, ask him to go down on you. If you’re embarrassed about it, use language which makes your meaning clear: “I’d like you to kiss my bits” will do – anything that gets your meaning across. And, though you may find it difficult, if he’s working on bringing you to orgasm, he’ll need feedback to make sure he carries on enthusiastically. Losing your self in your bliss and not saying anything will make him wonder if you’re asleep, dead or uninterested, at which point he’ll most likely stop.
2 Resenting him when you don’t get what you want
What, didn’t you read number 1 above? If you want, say, more foreplay, then you need to say so. If he charges straight into your erogenous zones after a few minutes’ kissing, then you need to educate him about what you want. Men are much more quickly aroused than women on the whole, and they simply need slowing down. One great way to do this is to make sure you get an orgasm before you have intercourse (see below). And you can always distract him with a spot of fellatio, or by licking him all over. As a woman you’re likely to be more creative than he is, so maybe you can apply your creative skills to sex, and improve it for both of you!
3 Not realizing that “Women come first”!
Well, maybe not in everything, but it’s not a bad rule to follow during sex. Men lose interest very rapidly after they’ve ejaculated: like it or not, that’s how they are biologically built (in fact they are programmed to sleep after sex) and unless they’re especially sensitive, once they’ve come, they won’t be much interested in your satisfaction. The best way to deal with this is to have extended foreplay which includes him giving you oral sex or pleasuring you with his fingers until you come. . . . . then it’s his turn. This way he’ll be very turned on, and enjoy a big orgasm when he does come inside you – or in any other way. (And in case you don’t know, men really do like the sight, smell and taste of your vulva!)
4 Being much more critical of your body than he is
It’s hard for women to believe, but it is true. In general, men are much less critical of your nobody than you are. When you start hiding it during sex, or refusing to enjoy certain sexual positions because you fear what he might think of your body, he’s likely to get very disenchanted, very quickly. If you need reassurance that your body is OK, remember rule number 1: ask him for it. Say, for example, “I’m feeling a bit insecure about my tits/bottom/belly/whatever. Do you find them attractive?” or, “Do you like my body?”
5 Not being assertive during sex
It’s an old, old stereotype: men lead, women follow. Well, that certainly shouldn’t be true all the time in sex. Even if you like him to be masculine and dominant during sex, or even if you like to feel as if you’re being “taken” sometimes, it’s just as nice for him to see your assertive side. Take the lead from time to time: give him a treat – woman on top or rear entry will push all his sexual buttons and make him wonder if his birthday has come early.
6 Being critical of his performance
Nothing, but nothing, will turn a man off faster (especially if he thinks he’s doing well) than being critical. If he comes too soon for you, if he doesn’t give you enough pleasure, if he’s too rough or he touches you too hard or soft, or whatever, the answer does NOT lie in criticism! Instead, find a way of gently expressing your feelings and tell him what would like instead. For example, “When you don’t look at me when you enter me I miss the feeling of intimacy with you” or “I like it when you do that, but I’d like it even more if you slowed down, touched to the side of my clitoris, thrust harder/softer. . . . ” and so on.
7 Treating his penis as if it were your clitoris
Which means – handle it more firmly. He’ll soon tell you if you do it wrong. In general, men masturbate with much more pressure than is acceptable for a woman: her clitoris is simply too sensitive. You need to do it differently for him, especially as he approaches orgasm, when he really will like a firm touch. (Having said that, he’ll still enjoy feather light touches from your well-lubed hand in the early stages of your sex play – try saliva as a quick and easy lube. )
8 Refusing oral sex
Well, this may be contentious, but I’ll say it anyway. Most women don’t really understand how important oral sex is to men. Sure, you know men like it (how could you not!), but you may not understand how important it is. And this isn’t some crude male desire to dominate you. Men love oral sex because the intimacy and trust of the act is signals your love. Taking his penis into your mouth is not just a sign of accepting his penis, but also signals to him your total acceptance of him as a man: in his mind this may be an act of the greatest possible intimacy. By the way – you don’t have to let him ejaculate in your mouth, let alone swallow his semen.

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/the-biggest-mistakes-women-make-during-sex-with-men/feed 0 Are you in a Casual Relationship? … How About Taking the Next Step http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/are-you-in-a-casual-relationship-how-about-taking-the-next-step http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/are-you-in-a-casual-relationship-how-about-taking-the-next-step#comments Sat, 19 Dec 2009 17:21:06 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/are-you-in-a-casual-relationship-how-about-taking-the-next-step Do you find yourself in one of the following situation?-???Having no idea where to go to meet quality, attractive single men (or it seems like all the good men are already “taken”)-???Going on “dates” (which they dread in the first place) and having them either go NOWHERE. . . or having things go great on the date, but the guy never calls or asks you out again-???Seeing a man you’re attracted to, and wishing you knew EXACTLY what to do and say to get his attention without sounding dumb, goofy, or ?desperate-???Not knowing specific things to ASK a man to figure out very early on whether or not he’s honest, mature, and “into” having a real relationship. . . without sounding pushy, manipulative or scaring him off-???Never knowing the reason WHY a man stops calling or making plans after one or more dates, when there seemed to be so much “chemistry” at first (Just knowing WHY could save you from feeling UNNECESSARILY bad because you’re wondering about what you did or said wrong)Any of these sound familiar?If so, then your life just got a lot easier. . . because I’m about to share the answers and insights to these problems that women run into while meeting men, “dating”, and trying to build a great relationship from scratch. I had a big “Aha!” moment recently, and my realization was this: Most women would be MUCH more successful with men and dating if they not only had their own “act together” as women. . . but they knew the specifics of exactly HOW, WHERE, WHY, and WHEN to do things with a man. Such as. . . how to get a man’s attention, why he responds the way he does, and when to take things in the direction you want them to go in your relationship. In other words, sometimes it’s just NOT ENOUGH to be a great person. You need to know how to SHOW him that you are. Which means. . . if you don’t know how to say or do the right thing with a man to get him to recognize what’s really inside of you, and who you are. . . then it’s all for nothing. Now, some women have written me over the years and seemed to be looking for a “tool box” or a cheat-sheet that they could refer to for CLEAR answers to questions about real-life dating situations. . . and how to handle them. And, not having those tools at their fingertips was driving them CRAZY. They were tired and frustrated with consistently meeting men who accidentally turned out to have all the WRONG qualities. . . and they didn’t know how to identify and attract only the right men. Of course, this isn’t too uncommon. Have you ever thought you were really clear on what you wanted in a man and a relationship, and you found what you thought was a great guy. . . only to later discover that the man and the relationship you had weren’t anything like what you thought they were? This kind of experience can literally BLOW YOUR MIND and leave you wondering if you’re completely blind. Why is it so hard for YOU. . . when so many other couples have found each other and found happiness so easily?Here’s the reality. . . What you need isn’t a whole bunch of new life-lessons. What you need are some real-world tips and TECHNIQUES that are going to help you quickly draw the right man to you, weed out the bad apples early on, and keep things growing so that the right foundation for a great relationship comes together quickly and EASILY. It’s time you learned how to quickly go from “Hello” to “I love you” with a man, and enjoy the process and build the foundation for a LASTING RELATIONSHIP at every turn. Are You Ready for the NEXT Step?

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/are-you-in-a-casual-relationship-how-about-taking-the-next-step/feed 0 2 Tips To Turbo Charge Your Stale Sexual Relationship http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/2-tips-to-turbo-charge-your-stale-sexual-relationship http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/2-tips-to-turbo-charge-your-stale-sexual-relationship#comments Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:22:14 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/2-tips-to-turbo-charge-your-stale-sexual-relationship Just because you find yourselves sexually distant from one another doesn’t mean that your relationship has to stay that way. We often get so busy with the hustle and bustle of keeping up with the everyday that our love life usually is the one area that suffers the most. It can be as simple as rediscovering each other. Try something new and different to satisfy you emotionally and sexually.
You must make the time for each other. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, lesbian or straight. You know that every relationship expert will tell you that making time is the most important action you can take to make your relationship work better which in turn will lead to a better and more satisfying sexual relationship.
My first tip for you and your spouse or partner is to go on a date. I know that this sounds a bit corny but it actually does work. Every sex and relationship therapist or expert will advise you to try this same technique. Because by doing this you are committing yourselves to devote time to each other otherwise would never happen.
This does not mean that you are not in love with your partner or spouse or have become bored it simply means at times we tend to over extend ourselves to other commitments we’ve made to other people. You need to recognize the warning signs of your spouse or partner longing to have more time with you and do something about it soon. Don’t take for granted that your significant other will wait forever.
My second tip is, after you have come back home from your date surprise him or her with a sex toy like a dildo or vibrator. This doesn’t have to be something gigantic or enormous like a black dildo which can have a length size of 10 inches and a girth size of about 4 inches. Try starting off with something simple and gentle. Make sure you use a lubricant with all your sex toys and devices.
There are a variety of sex toys that can suit your need and desire to coordinate with your sexual preferences. A rabbit vibrator or double ended dildo works well for straight women as well as lesbian couples. A vibrating penis ring, a slender anal dildo or vibrator works well for gay men. Strap on sex toy devises work really well for all parties involves. Whether you’re straight or gay this devise will hold a single or double dildo or vibrator that you can penetrate and thrust on your partner with anally or vaginally. Just take the time to use your imagination.
I often say that you don’t need to take expensive trips or long weekends away from home. You can just take about an hour or two to make a huge impact in your relationship. It’s like a pyramid effect. When you find that your relationship is at the bottom of the heap all you have to do is gradually devote some time to work your way up again. I find that if you tell your partner that you want him or her to orgasm while you are penetrating them with a vibrating dildo or vibrator your wont meet any resistance.

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/2-tips-to-turbo-charge-your-stale-sexual-relationship/feed 0 Online Dating Advice – How to Make Dating a Relationship, a Lasting One http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/online-dating-advice-how-to-make-dating-a-relationship-a-lasting-one http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/online-dating-advice-how-to-make-dating-a-relationship-a-lasting-one#comments Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:19:27 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/online-dating-advice-how-to-make-dating-a-relationship-a-lasting-one Online Dating Advice Those who hold met by an unplanned meeting or with the help of dating ones would are apt to be fairly unknown to each other. But once properties suffer come to make contact with their desire to meet consistently may rise. Here the possibilities of converting the dating into a long lasting relationship emerge. There are factors which affects in making a man and a woman becoming so close. The most important factor is the ‘attraction’ they feel towards each other. Online Dating Advice The first factor that cements the relationship is the attraction that a man and a woman feel towards each other. It is the element that acts like a force between two people that tends to draw them together and resist their separation. You are dating a person; you should take a note of the factors that has made you attracted towards him or her. If you can locate the very reason of your being so attracted to him or her, it would surely help cementing the relationship. The mere dating schedule would simply become a concrete time table for a long lasting relationship. Knowing about the other dating partner would help in many ways. If you find any particular thing that your partner is interested in, you can make yourself familiarise with that factor and ease your way for a better relationship. Suppose if your dating partner like reading novels written by Charles Dickens, you can get one of his novels and read it for discussing the same at a coffee table with your dating partner. If practiced positively, such a thing would help very positively in building up a lasting relationship based on similar interests in life. Start taking actions to Change your social life forever! Get your Online Dating Advice now.

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/online-dating-advice-how-to-make-dating-a-relationship-a-lasting-one/feed 0 How to Improve Sexual Desire and Your Relationships http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/how-to-improve-sexual-desire-and-your-relationships http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/how-to-improve-sexual-desire-and-your-relationships#comments Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:16:35 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/how-to-improve-sexual-desire-and-your-relationships Sexual Desire is never a problem for people who are young and full of energy. But as time passes, there will be situations when sexual desire in men and women decrease, sometimes resulting to break-ups and sad consequences. This article shows that you can improve your relationships and make brighter, happier and sexier days ahead. Passion in relationships is one of the most important factors that keep a bond between two people in love intact. Passion may also be pertained to the sex, wherein it is the time where couples spend time to connect, bond and have fun in the process of course. Factors such as stress, age, and monotony can result that lost sexual desire every person is afraid of. In order to improve sexual desires, here are some things you can do : 1. Break the monotony. same sex partner in sex doesn’t mean no fun at all. Doing simple things like, roses on the floor, in the bed, a romantic dinner at first, or even just changing the venue of the sexual activity can stimulate that buttons that has not been stimulated before. An Easy Tip: All the senses ( sight, smell, touch etc. ) can really affect the mood of your partner. Changing few things a bit that you feel can affect the senses in a different way and nothing but hotter things are ahead of you. E. G. a mellow mood in the bedroom maybe composed of dim lighting, light sexy music with some chocolates and wine. It is a combination of taste, sound and sight. Be creative and unpredictable. 2. Take care of your body. People are stressed, tired, unhealthy, thus making them a zero in the bedroom. Giving time for exercise and having great food choices are simple things can directly affect your performance and libido. A sex diet is helpful. If you are not working out, have an exercise routine that suits you, be it a sport, jogging, anything that can get your blood going, because this can greatly affect the way you treat your partner. You wouldn’t want anything but a smile in your partner’s face right? 3. Science is a gift, take advantage of it. Thanks to the doctors who study these things, we can take advantage of pills and enhancements that can improve our performance in bed. Pills and other enhancement products are mostly made from natural ingredients and not those drugs that are not safe. Doctors are now making natural enhancement products because not only is it safe, but is has more reliable results. Giving you body enhancements doesn’t mean you may be lacking of anything, but making better the good you already have. These are a few tips you can take in order to improve your sex life and desires. Passion in sex and relationships can avoid you the headaches of divorce and stress, and can give you and your partner better and growing relationships, no matter what age you are in.

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/how-to-improve-sexual-desire-and-your-relationships/feed 0 Father Dave’s Sex Talk http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-3 http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-3#comments Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:15:54 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-3 Father Dave’s Sex Talk

a sermon on the Song of Songs

OK guys. It?s time for Father Dave?s sex talk! It comes once every three years, when the passage from the Song of Songs appears in the lectionary.

When you were in school, you used to get this talk every year. If you were in a Christian Youth Group, you probably got this talk every week! Most of us here are now

significantly older though, and once every three years seems about right.

Either way, let me begin with my favourite love poem:

I wonder by my troth what thou and I did till we loved?

Were we not weaned till then?

But sucked on country pleasures childishly,

Or snorted we in the seven sleepers den?

Twas so, but this all pleasures fancy be.

If ever any beauty I did see, which I desired and got,

Twas but a dream of thee!

Yes, it’s John Donne (in The Good Morrow), eulogising about the joys of waking up alongside your lover. Now let me now read you my favourite Biblical love poem:

The voice of my beloved!

Look, he comes, leaping upon the mountains, bounding over the hills.

My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.

Look, there he stands behind our wall, gazing in at the windows, looking through the lattice

My beloved speaks and says to me:

“Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past,

the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth;

the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. “

It’s from the Biblical book, ‘The Song of Songs’, otherwise known as ‘The Song of Solomon’, and it shares the same theme as the earlier poem. It might not have the same

lyrical quality to it as Donne’s work of course, but remember that it?s translated from the Hebrew, and probably loses a lot in the translation. The theme, at any rate, is much

the same: Spring has come, love is in the air, and the time has come to sneak away for a romp in the woods!

That much is clear. What is not clear is what this is doing in the Bible! That is a question that students of the Bible have been asking for thousands of years! The other big

question for me is why the compilers of the lectionary chose to schedule this reading for Fathers Day! Well, maybe that was an accident, but the bigger question is not so

easy to solve:

Jewish Rabbis were debating the place of the Song of Songs in the Scriptures way back at the Council of Jamnia back in AD 90!

In the year 553 Theodore of Mopsuestia questioned the place of the Song in the Scriptures and was opposed by the second council of Constantinople.

1000 years later, in 1553 Sebastian Castellio was forced to leave Geneva after arguing with Calvin that the Song should not remain in the Bible.

At the very least we must admit that this ?Song? doesn?t fit the normal Biblical mould.

The Song never mentions God.

It reads as being positively bawdy at points!

Most disturbing of all, for good middle-class church-going people, the lovers in this Song don?t appear to be married! If they were, why would they need to sneak away for a

romp?

We people of the book, over the generations, have consistently found this Song of Songs to be a source of embarrassment. And frankly, more embarrassing still, from my

point of view, than the book itself have been those who have sought to defend it, always on the basis of allegorization.

The early Jewish Rabbis took the Song to be an allegory of the love between the Lord and Israel. Likewise, most Christians who defended the book regarded it as a song of

love between Christ and His church.

This allegorical approach was standard from the medieval period right through the Reformation:

The man is taken to be Christ. The woman is the church. His kisses (1:2) are the Word of God, the girl?s dark skin (1:5) is sin, her breasts (7:7) are the church?s nurturing

doctrine, and her two sweet lips (4:11) are law and gospel! (no doubt the top lip was sweeter than the bottom!)

The most curious part of the historical allegory, I think, has been the popular identification, made originally by St Ambrose, of the woman with the virgin Mary! Not only is

there no independent reason to think that the women in this Song is Mary, but the woman in question is certainly no virgin!

Most modern scholars regard the allegorical interpretation is indefensible, which brings us back to our original question: what is this book doing in the Bible?

The only possible answer, I think, is that the Bible appreciates love more than we do, or at least, the Bible has a more relaxed attitude towards love and human sexuality

than the church has had historically. For let?s be honest: the historic church of Christ has not generally exhibited a very positive view of human sexuality over the ages!

My belief is that this has been largely due to our dualistic Greek philosophical heritage, where the body is divided from the spirit, and where all things physical are seen as

being unspiritual, most especially human sexual desire, which is a further hankering after the physical!

In this Greek understanding ?chastity? is equivalent to ?purity?. Hence celibacy is extolled as a spiritual virtue. Sex is seen as a necessary evil, for the purpose of procreation.

As one early Christian leader put it, ?the good thing about sex is that it produces more monks and nuns?.

At the risk of offending some of our Catholic brethren, I personally believe that this is the line of thought behind the doctrine of the perpetual virginity of the Mary!

If you follow the logic, Mary could only bear Jesus because she was ?pure?, and her purity is seen as tied up with her virginity. As adoration of Mary grew over the ages, it

came to be seen as perpetually pure, and hence it followed that she must have continued to be a virgin, despite the fact that Jesus? brothers and sisters are referenced in

the New Testament!

Indeed, if you follow Christian tradition, you will find that Mary?s mother, a woman supposedly named, ?Anne? herself came to be regarded as being a virgin at the time of

Mary?s birth! This idea arose in the 4th century and was revived in the 15th century, and though the Vatican renounced the idea as ridiculous in the year 1677, they retained

the belief that Mary herself was born to Anne via an immaculate conception!

This is a long way from the attitude we see in the Song, and I?d suggest that the attitude of the Song towards sex more truly mirrors the overall Biblical perspective than

does Christian history.

Broadly speaking, I would suggest to you that the Bible has very little to say about sex! Despite all opinion to the contrary, and despite the fact that sex is a very significant

subject for us, I would suggest to you that the it is not a very significant subject for the Bible.

Yes, Jesus had a couple of things to say on the matter, and yes, there are warnings scattered about the Bible, telling us that we need to be careful about where our sexual

drives might lead us. But this is pretty minor stuff really, especially when we consider how significant sex is in other religions, most especially the other religions that were

popular when the Bible was being written!

From the early Canaanite fertility cults we read about in the Old Testament, to the worship of Aphrodite in the New, sex was seen as a divine force. Much new age

spirituality has likewise latched on to ?sacred sex? rituals in Hindu tradition and elsewhere.

At the other end of the spectrum, as we?ve already mentioned, you had the influence of Greek dualism. This was has been more influential on the history of the church, but

its influence is equally absent from the Biblical texts themselves, where you will never find human sexuality written about as an evil, demonic force.

While historically religions have latched on to sex as a mighty spiritual power, positive or negative, our Bible takes neither course! It simply leaves sex as a human reality.

Like anger, which is seen as a powerful human force, that when properly utilised can drive us towards justice, so sex is seen as a powerful human force, that when properly

utilised can do much good. And like anger, when it runs out of control, it can do much damage. As Fred Buechner put it, sex is like nitro-glycerine ?it can be used to heal

hearts or to blow up bridges. ?

This is the first thing that needs to be said about a Biblical perspective on sex – namely, that the Bible sees sex simply as a human drive that – a drive that, like anger, can

easily lead us into sin, bur which can also be a very creative dimension of human life. The other thing that must be said of the Bible on this subject is that it always links

intimacy with commitment.

This is true in all relationships. To quote our friend Morde Vanunu, ?to know is to be responsible?. This applies in social and political life, yes, but it is equally the rule in

personal relationships. The closer you are to somebody, the more you know them, the more capable you are of hurting them, and so the more responsible you are for them,

and the more committed you need to be to them. Knowledge brings with it responsibility. Intimacy, if it is not to be damaging, must always involve commitment. And

complete intimacy means total commitment.

I won?t say more on this now, but would encourage you to think this through further for yourself, for I do believe that this is the key to understanding sex and relationships

from a Biblical perspective. Sex, Biblically speaking, is not fundamentally about procreation, from my reading of the Scriptures, but about being close to someone. Good sex

is about sharing a closeness that nurtures and strengthens another person. Illicit sex is intimacy without commitment, knowledge without responsibility. From a spiritual

perspective, this sort of sex is just a form of abuse.

Well, that?s it for Father Dave?s sex talk for another three years. It?s not really a sex talk though is it. It?s as discussion of spirituality and relationships. It?s more about

religion than sex, and this is as it should be.

It may be instructive to consider word ?religion? itself. It comes from the Latin word ?religio?, meaning, ?to bind back?. ?Religion? is the process through which we bind

ourselves back – back to our creator and back to who we are. From a Christian perspective, we this binding back process is always a process of love. Romantic love is not

the whole of love, but it is a dimension of love that the Bible celebrates.

I read that In Bonn, in Germany, a German group of psychologists, physicians and insurance companies cooperated on a research project, designed to find the secret to

long life and success, and that they made a surprising discovery!

Kiss your partner each morning when you leave for work! The German researchers discovered that partners who kiss each other every morning have fewer automobile

accidents on their way to work than those who omit the morning kiss. The kissers miss less work because of sickness and earn 20 to 30 percent more money than

non-kissers.

Sex, love, romance, friendship, affection, warmt – these are good gifts of God to be enjoyed. It is not for all of us to enjoy all of them, nor for any of us to enjoy any of them all

of the time. But when a good relationship is given to us, we should be able to celebrate it in Song!

]]> http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-3/feed 0 Father Dave’s Sex Talk http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-2 http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-2#comments Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:15:41 +0000 admin http://urvis.org/sex-and-relationships/father-daves-sex-talk-2 Father Dave’s Sex Talk

a sermon on the Song of Songs

OK guys. It?s time for Father Dave?s sex talk! It comes once every three years, when the passage from the Song of Songs appears in the lectionary.

When you were in school, you used to get this talk every year. If you were in a Christian Youth Group, you probably got this talk every week! Most of us here are now

significantly older though, and once every three years seems about right.

Either way, let me begin with my favourite love poem:

I wonder by my troth what thou and I did till we loved?

Were we not weaned till then?

But sucked on country pleasures childishly,

Or snorted we in the seven sleepers den?

Twas so, but this all pleasures fancy be.

If ever any beauty I did see, which I desired and got,

Twas but a dream of thee!

Yes, it’s John Donne (in The Good Morrow), eulogising about the joys of waking up alongside your lover. Now let me now read you my favourite Biblical love poem:

The voice of my beloved!

Look, he comes, leaping upon the mountains, bounding over the hills.

My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.

Look, there he stands behind our wall, gazing in at the windows, looking through the lattice

My beloved speaks and says to me:

“Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away; for now the winter is past,

the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth;

the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree puts forth its figs, and the vines are in blossom; they give forth fragrance.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away. “

It’s from the Biblical book, ‘The Song of Songs’, otherwise known as ‘The Song of Solomon’, and it shares the same theme as the earlier poem. It might not have the same

lyrical quality to it as Donne’s work of course, but remember that it?s translated from the Hebrew, and probably loses a lot in the translation. The theme, at any rate, is much

the same: Spring has come, love is in the air, and the time has come to sneak away for a romp in the woods!

That much is clear. What is not clear is what this is doing in the Bible! That is a question that students of the Bible have been asking for thousands of years! The other big

question for me is why the compilers of the lectionary chose to schedule this reading for Fathers Day! Well, maybe that was an accident, but the bigger question is not so

easy to solve:

Jewish Rabbis were debating the place of the Song of Songs in the Scriptures way back at the Council of Jamnia back in AD 90!

In the year 553 Theodore of Mopsuestia questioned the place of the Song in the Scriptures and was opposed by the second council of Constantinople.

1000 years later, in 1553 Sebastian Castellio was forced to leave Geneva after arguing with Calvin that the Song should not remain in the Bible.

At the very least we must admit that this ?Song? doesn?t fit the normal Biblical mould.

The Song never mentions God.

It reads as being positively bawdy at points!

Most disturbing of all, for good middle-class church-going people, the lovers in this Song don?t appear to be married! If they were, why would they need to sneak away for a

romp?

We people of the book, over the generations, have consistently found this Song of Songs to be a source of embarrassment. And frankly, more embarrassing still, from my

point of view, than the book itself have been those who have sought to defend it, always on the basis of allegorization.

The early Jewish Rabbis took the Song to be an allegory of the love between the Lord and Israel. Likewise, most Christians who defended the book regarded it as a song of

love between Christ and His church.

This allegorical approach was standard from the medieval period right through the Reformation:

The man is taken to be Christ. The woman is the church. His kisses (1:2) are the Word of God, the girl?s dark skin (1:5) is sin, her breasts (7:7) are the church?s nurturing

doctrine, and her two sweet lips (4:11) are law and gospel! (no doubt the top lip was sweeter than the bottom!)

The most curious part of the historical allegory, I think, has been the popular identification, made originally by St Ambrose, of the woman with the virgin Mary! Not only is

there no independent reason to think that the women in this Song is Mary, but the woman in question is certainly no virgin!

Most modern scholars regard the allegorical interpretation is indefensible, which brings us back to our original question: what is this book doing in the Bible?

The only possible answer, I think, is that the Bible appreciates love more than we do, or at least, the Bible has a more relaxed attitude towards love and human sexuality

than the church has had historically. For let?s be honest: the historic church of Christ has not generally exhibited a very positive view of human sexuality over the ages!

My belief is that this has been largely due to our dualistic Greek philosophical heritage, where the body is divided from the spirit, and where all things physical are seen as

being unspiritual, most especially human sexual desire, which is a further hankering after the physical!

In this Greek understanding ?chastity? is equivalent to ?purity?. Hence celibacy is extolled as a spiritual virtue. Sex is seen as a necessary evil, for the purpose of procreation.

As one early Christian leader put it, ?the good thing about sex is that it produces more monks and nuns?.

At the risk of offending some of our Catholic brethren, I personally believe that this is the line of thought behind the doctrine of the perpetual virginity of the Mary!

If you follow the logic, Mary could only bear Jesus because she was ?pure?, and her purity is seen as tied up with her virginity. As adoration of Mary grew over the ages, it

came to be seen as perpetually pure, and hence it followed that she must have continued to be a virgin, despite the fact that Jesus? brothers and sisters are referenced in

the New Testament!

Indeed, if you follow Christian tradition, you will find that Mary?s mother, a woman supposedly named, ?Anne? herself came to be regarded as being a virgin at the time of

Mary?s birth! This idea arose in the 4th century and was revived in the 15th century, and though the Vatican renounced the idea as ridiculous in the year 1677, they retained

the belief that Mary herself was born to Anne via an immaculate conception!

This is a long way from the attitude we see in the Song, and I?d suggest that the attitude of the Song towards sex more truly mirrors the overall Biblical perspective than

does Christian history.

Broadly speaking, I would suggest to you that the Bible has very little to say about sex! Despite all opinion to the contrary, and despite the fact that sex is a very significant

subject for us, I would suggest to you that the it is not a very significant subject for the Bible.

Yes, Jesus had a couple of things to say on the matter, and yes, there are warnings scattered about the Bible, telling us that we need to be careful about where our sexual

drives might lead us. But this is pretty minor stuff really, especially when we consider how significant sex is in other religions, most especially the other religions that were

popular when the Bible was being written!

From the early Canaanite fertility cults we read about in the Old Testament, to the worship of Aphrodite in the New, sex was seen as a divine force. Much new age

spirituality has likewise latched on to ?sacred sex? rituals in Hindu tradition and elsewhere.

At the other end of the spectrum, as we?ve already mentioned, you had the influence of Greek dualism. This was has been more influential on the history of the church, but

its influence is equally absent from the Biblical texts themselves, where you will never find human sexuality written about as an evil, demonic force.

While historically religions have latched on to sex as a mighty spiritual power, positive or negative, our Bible takes neither course! It simply leaves sex as a human reality.

Like anger, which is seen as a powerful human force, that when properly utilised can drive us towards justice, so sex is seen as a powerful human force, that when properly

utilised can do much good. And like anger, when it runs out of control, it can do much damage. As Fred Buechner put it, sex is like nitro-glycerine ?it can be used to heal

hearts or to blow up bridges. ?

This is the first thing that needs to be said about a Biblical perspective on sex – namely, that the Bible sees sex simply as a human drive that – a drive that, like anger, can

easily lead us into sin, bur which can also be a very creative dimension of human life. The other thing that must be said of the Bible on this subject is that it always links

intimacy with commitment.

This is true in all relationships. To quote our friend Morde Vanunu, ?to know is to be responsible?. This applies in social and political life, yes, but it is equally the rule in

personal relationships. The closer you are to somebody, the more you know them, the more capable you are of hurting them, and so the more responsible you are for them,

and the more committed you need to be to them. Knowledge brings with it responsibility. Intimacy, if it is not to be damaging, must always involve commitment. And

complete intimacy means total commitment.

I won?t say more on this now, but would encourage you to think this through further for yourself, for I do believe that this is the key to understanding sex and relationships

from a Biblical perspective. Sex, Biblically speaking, is not fundamentally about procreation, from my reading of the Scriptures, but about being close to someone. Good sex

is about sharing a closeness that nurtures and strengthens another person. Illicit sex is intimacy without commitment, knowledge without responsibility. From a spiritual

perspective, this sort of sex is just a form of abuse.

Well, that?s it for Father Dave?s sex talk for another three years. It?s not really a sex talk though is it. It?s as discussion of spirituality and relationships. It?s more about

religion than sex, and this is as it should be.

It may be instructive to consider word ?religion? itself. It comes from the Latin word ?religio?, meaning, ?to bind back?. ?Religion? is the process through which we bind

ourselves back – back to our creator and back to who we are. From a Christian perspective, we this binding back process is always a process of love. Romantic love is not

the whole of love, but it is a dimension of love that the Bible celebrates.

I read that In Bonn, in Germany, a German group of psychologists, physicians and insurance companies cooperated on a research project, designed to find the secret to

long life and success, and that they made a surprising discovery!

Kiss your partner each morning when you leave for work! The German researchers discovered that partners who kiss each other every morning have fewer automobile

accidents on their way to work than those who omit the morning kiss. The kissers miss less work because of sickness and earn 20 to 30 percent more money than

non-kissers.

Sex, love, romance, friendship, affection, warmt – these are good gifts of God to be enjoyed. It is not for all of us to enjoy all of them, nor for any of us to enjoy any of them all

of the time. But when a good relationship is given to us, we should be able to celebrate it in Song!

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